Hurricane Irene is Too Fat

Look at her. What a fat pig. I am disgusted. Hurricane Irene is a big, fat pig. Just like almost everyone else in the country (if you believe public health officials), Hurricane Irene is overweight and as a result, will cost insurance companies and the tax payers way too much money to repair the damage she causes. Just like Americans, American hurricanes are getting too big, taking up too much space, consuming too many resources and costing us money to clean up the mess they leave behind. Just like fat people do, if you believe what the experts say. Experts who are all probably really thin and in perfect physical condition.

Meteorological experts have said that, “Just like people, they (storms) all have their own personalities. From the get-go, Irene was not a power storm. Her goal was to become wide, not internally powerful. Personified further, the storm became too big too quickly and it cannot master its own strength.” Her goal was “to become wide;” there you have it. Storms have personalities just like people, and Irene is like a glutton at the all-you-can-eat buffet bar. I picture Hurricane Irene to be quite comfortable sitting at the table with the Klumps from the Eddie Murphy movie, “The Nutty Professor,” fried chicken leg in one hand, a pile of sliced ham in the other, with a full plate of mashed potatoes, fries and gravy set in front of her. She’s spilling out of her adjustable-waistline jeans, and doesn’t care.

Please note that we are talking about 2011 Hurricane Irene, and not her 1999 sister (or would it be cousin?) that pounded and soaked Florida.

Americans’ consumptionist ways have now tainted Mother Nature’s creations. And despite the American economy’s troubles, our storms are still big, strong and powerful and getting larger. Just like Leon.

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THIS JUST IN: Experts in the UK predict that half of the US will be obese by the year 2030!

As an aside, the reporting of this weather phenomenon is classic crisis mode nonsense, the kind of reporting that is used to cover every issue that hits the newswire. Obesity, crisis. Climate change, crisis. Hurricane, crisis AND catastrophe. Economy, crisis. Debt ceiling, crisis. If everything is a crisis, nothing is a crisis. When a real crisis comes, the masses will be unprepared because the media and our politicians are reactionary “Cry Wolf-ians.” But I digress…

And about the names of these storms, here’s a suggestion; how about using last names and naming the storms after famous fatties, both fictional and real? Why stigmatize the poor kids who have names like Irene and Katrina? It’s like the First Lady making fat kids a target as a result of her no-fat kids initiative. Rather than Hurricane Irene, why not Hurricane Sherman (or Mama) Klump or Hurricane Orson Wells or Hurricane Rex Ryan? Since Mississippi has been named as the fattest state, why not Hurricane Mississippi?

Nowadays it is clear that along with money, fatness is the root of all evil. (Note: The original saying from the New Testament is, “The love of money is a root of all kinds of evil,” but it’s been misquoted so often a new quote with a new meaning has been created. Just go with it.) So let’s further demonize fat. Let’s not be judgmental towards any person, place or thing unless they are successful money makers and/or fat. And what better way to make fat people feel really badly about themselves, bad enough to change, than to name horribly destructive natural phenomenon after other fat folks? But I digress, yet again…

The government really needs to do something about the growing size of these storms, design some kind of intervention like putting tropical depressions on a diet and exercise regimen so that they don’t become big, fat slobs of a storm like big, fat slob of a storm Irene. More veggies, more treadmill, less fried foods and of course no smoking or alcohol. Maybe former President Bill Clinton can counsel the tropical depressions and hurricanes since he has lost so much weight.

After all, the government has been so helpful to this point giving the public incredibly valuable information. For instance the governor of North Carolina told people to stay indoors, the governor of New Jersey told people to get off of the beach and the mayor of New York City telling people that staying in their homes and not evacuating is  crime. This is what we need these politicians for. What insight, what leadership! Who among us would think to stay indoors during a potential hurricane?

Ok, so here’s to hoping that fatso Hurricane Irene slims down before it does too much damage.

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